Many folks come into my office to discuss the anxiety they now experience because of “out of control” kiddos that are ruling the roost in their home. When I complete a Problem Identification Session with one of my clients so that I can better understand the nature of their concern when it comes to parenting, I consistently ask: Do you think that there is anything that you can do to help your child behavior in a more productive way? Many times, the answer to this question is a big old “YES!” with an exuberant head shake but not three seconds after this confirmation, an emotional onset comes in with a follow up statement in the vain of “but I just don’t know how.” Let’s see if we can fix that.
In my experience, there are two primary reasons for poor behavior in the home:
One: A Lack of Communication
Two: A Lack of Consequences
Communication is abstractly and therapeutically defined as the sharing of thoughts, feelings and opinions in a way in which they are heard, and the actions are reciprocated. When we learn how to communicate with our children by clearly expressing what our expectations are of them along with respectful words of guidance, we are modeling an assertive communication style that is ideal for their own relationship development when they are no longer under your roof.
Providing consequences for your child is an important component of positive discipline and it is a key notion in self-esteem establishment in children. Children need to know that their choices and actions matter and that there are positive and negative consequences associated with all of our decisions. Kiddos who behave poorly in the home have often not been given realistic expectations to follow, nor has the parent been consistent with their reflection on the ideal or less than ideal actions conducted by the child. The big concepts of consequences are to not make threats, be consistent in your delivery and conversation around the consequences, connect the consequence to the action when possible and be positive in the interaction.
Now, if you have communicated clearly and have been consistent, positive and appropriate with your consequence delivery and your kiddo is still acting in a way that is not suitable, then we have to see if something else is going on that is producing the unwanted behavior. As a parent, it is your job to figure out what that something is through four actionable concepts so that you can get your family on the fast-lane to stability and respect.
Let’s initiate these conversations with questions. Start by stating what the objective was and then ask your child what is preventing them from achievement. Process their response and meet it with one of the four solutions listed below.
If your child doesn't know to, you need to give them direction.
If your child doesn't want to, you need to provide them with motivation.
If your child doesn't know how to, you need to build their competence.
If your child can't do, you need to remove barriers.
Your next action as a parent is to listen to the needs of your child and meet them where they are in their processing with assessing for the dynamics discussed above.
If your kiddo doesn’t put his plate in the sink after a meal, give them direction on what you would like for them to do with their plate after a meal.
If your child doesn’t want to eat what you have made them for lunch, inform them they will not have an option to eat again until the next meal is served, allowing the possibility for their hunger to motivate them toward eating the food you have prepared in the here and now.
If they weren’t making their bed because they didn’t know how it was supposed to be done, show them how to do it calmly and kindly once or twice.
And if you would like your child to start dressing themselves but they say that they can’t because their clothes are hung on hangers, remove this barrier by folding outfits in drawers that are easily accessible to your little one.
Parenting is a constant action series but with little techniques like this, your anxiety can be lessened, and you may find that you don’t need to see me for therapy for as long as you thought you would. 😊
Cheers to your happiness and health –
Ali Johnson-Calderone, LCSW
