So many times when I start seeing a couple and ask them what they want from therapy, one partner will look at me and say, “I don’t want to argue with him/her.” Truth of the matter is that a disagreement and different points of view are signs of a healthy relationship. It’s being able to be open to hearing the other person and work through differences that speak to the lasting nature of a relationship.
Relationships are complicated. We learn how to relate to each other in different ways and when those ways don’t work we can try a number of direct and indirect ways to be heard. We can:
Raise voices
Withhold affection
Highlight disappointments and feelings of being let down without actually saying that’s how you feel (i.e. saying “you never bring me to the movies” or “you’re always late…”)
Not give the other person space when they want it and keep making your point “until they hear you”
Be so focused on the problem and trying to solve it that you don’t make time for trying to connect or enjoy each other
What many people don’t realize is that the louder you talk and the more tension you bring to a conversation, the more defensive the other person will become; it is how our brains are wired. It’s called “”Diffuse Physiological Arousal” (DPA)--what our bodies do when we’re in a state of “fight or flight,” and can’t be reasonable or logical. This happens when our heart rates exceed 95-100 beats per minute. .
Next time you are feeling tense with your partner, try taking your pulse (put your index finger & middle finger on the interior of your opposite wrist and feel for the beating; look at your watch for 15 secs and if it exceeds 25, you need to step away). Before you step away, let your partner know how long you’ll be gone!! You don’t want them feeling like you left them hanging, you abandoned them, or when you’re going to finish the conversation. Go do something that slows your heart rate down. If after that amount of time you’re still not ready to talk, check in with your partner and let them know how much time you need. The max you should take as a break is 24 hours from any given topic–this is where resentments come from!
There are four specific communication styles that John Gottman’s research has shown* are highly correlated with the dissolution of relationships. All four of these are associated with the increased heart rate mentioned above. They are:
Criticism (stating your complaints as a defect in your partner’s personality). These many times come out as “absolutes,” such as “never” or “always.”
Defensiveness Self-protection from a real or perceived attack that often looks like righteous indignation or placing oneself in a place of “victimhood”
Contempt Statements that come from a place of superiority. These most frequently come across as insults (i.e. you’re an idiot).
Stonewalling Emotional withdrawal and “checking out” of a conversation, not checking in with or tracking what your partner is saying.
Further descriptions and information on these communication styles click here.
For a complete assessment of how you and your partner communicate, barriers to intimacy, and the strengths of your relationship, contact our intake department today! Dr. Michaels offers an individually tailored. three part assessment followed by Feedback Session prior to beginning all couples work.
Dr. Michaels is trained through Level 3 by the Gottman Institute and is a Leader, providing Weekend Workshops for couples in the Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work.
*There are solutions if you and your partner are trapped in these methods of communication. Worth noting is that this approach to relationship repair has been validated regardless of relationship type (i.e. same sex or heterosexual). For more information regarding the research supporting same sex relationships and the Gottman method click here.
Ideally what is done in a conflict to move through it, regardless of the type of relationship you’re in, is to:
Find the humor in the situation
Be able to see the positive in the person you’re with
Have a “bank account of positives” to draw on so that when these differences come up you’re more resilient–That means making time and space for humor, time together, time away, intimate moments (it can even be looking across the room and catching your partner’s eye or attention so they feel “seen”)
If you’ve been through trauma in the past, be aware of the times of day, noises, facial expressions, etc, that make hearing someone more difficult and let your partner know
Avoid difficult conversations when you’re drinking or using a substance
RESOURCES:
Domestic Violence Resources for Travis County
Travis County LGBTQIA Resources
