Change is defined as the difference between what you expect and what you experience which means that we undergo change on the regular as our expectations rarely match our actual experience. Change is inevitable and so as you read this post, I would like you to consider the following question:
What change are you currently experiencing?
There are four phases of transition that are commonly found in shifting dynamics. Interestingly enough, the phases of transition resemble that of the stages of grief which is not to be unexpected as whenever there is change, there is a loss of some kind. In order to move in a different direction, you must leave behind where you once were or what once was which can garner feelings of mourning, however small in magnitude. But unlike the stages of grief (which are more fluid), the four stages of transition move in order from denial, resistance, exploration and finally, to commitment. When a new sibling is born or when your kiddos have to change schools, you will find your family members in various stages of transition and your job is to guide each of them to operate within the phase of commitment. Most people touch all four stages of the transition process, but their length of stay varies depending on their individual mindset.
Take a look at the picture. If you were to guess, where do you think the most emotional work transpires when you are leading a household toward change?
Ding, ding, ding! If you said the "Resistance" phase than you get all the prizes! When family members are in the resistance phase of transition, this is when a family leader is most impactful so it's important to focus your emotional work here when it comes to change management. In order to be effective in shifting the family toward change acceptance, you will want to be:
Positive. Display optimism about the future, even if the silver lining is so meniscal that you need a magnifying glass to see it. If you tell them that the ship is burning and they need to jump, they will jump. I never support dishonesty and untruths so do not lie to your family members and say everything is peachy if it is not. What I am saying, however, is that the human mind will not accept a change if they can't grasp a possible positive outcome in any scenario. We are hard-wired with survival instincts and you better believe that we will make decisions based solely on self-interest if we think a cause is without hope.
Focused. Communicate where you are going and associate it to the mission of the family. Remember, human beings are ego centric by nature and we always want to know what's in it for us. Relate the change personally to the individuals impacted and always tie the proposed change back to what the group is trying to accomplish.
Flexible. Commit to being creative when challenges arise and utilizing all available resources to lessening the negative impact of the shift, if the change is not desired. Modeling the ability to pivot is a tool that is irreplaceable and can have a high impact on whether your family gets stuck in the resistance phase of transition.
Organized. Sort data that is useful and not useful and only present information that serves a purpose (now is not the time to word vomit your own fears with the information you may have).
Proactive. Reframe change as an opportunity for growth and guide your family members to move toward it. You will want to acknowledge that change can be challenging and that you will commit to real time information giving when it is appropriate. Let them grieve the loss of whatever they are now going without of (whether that be a person, a place, cherished something, etc) and then focus on what they are going to gain with this transition.
Building resiliency is shown to be the best way to foster change acceptance as resiliency moves folks from denial to commitment in a smoother fashion. Resiliency is defined as the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties and it can be built by these five science-backed strategies. I suggest that when your family is not moving through a challenging transition, you take your energies to the resiliency building field and work on building up that toughness for change inevitability so that your people are better prepared for the next go-around. Because it will come. And your life will be easier if your family members are able to move through the stages of transition with ease.
Thanks for tuning in and until next time, I hope you stay healthy and content-
Ali Johnson-Calderone, LCSW
