I'm a consistent user of the Verbal Behavioural Analysis (VBA) model brought into the world of leadership by the Huthwaite International Group. Although it is technically considered management communication for the workplace, its concepts work like pure magic in family dynamics and multi member conversations as well.
In a nutshell, there are four behavior categories with associated actions that build upon each other for improved communication through appropriately controlled group contributor interactions. They are the actions or inactions that should be posed by a parent during family interactions. I have used them consistently for years and after learning and practicing these concepts, our dinner gatherings have become much less chaotic.
In the simplest of terms, initiating behaviors bring ideas to the table for discussion through the actions of proposing and building. The use of these behaviors create enthusiasm and orients to future action. But be warned, too many initiating behaviors can be overwhelming and lead to stagnation while a lack of initiating behaviors can lead to bogged down discussions and a limited quantity of ideas which is awfully boring.
The reacting behaviors build upon the initiating behaviors where group members support an idea, disagree with an idea or defend/attack a person associated with the idea. You really want to avoid the defensive mode that makes the defend/attack stance personal and focus on the idea itself through support or respectful disagreement. Reacting behaviors lets the group know where your head is at in regard to an idea, helps put information out in the space for discussion and facilitates open communication. However, too many of these behaviors leads to emotional discussions, unresolved conflict and misunderstandings, while too few of the reacting behaviors leads to closed conversation that is repetitive. I'm sure it will come as no surprise to you that people tend not to utilize the supporting action as frequently with strangers and that when your ideas are supported, we trend toward mutual supporting with the idea of "you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours." If individuals choose to defend/attack rather than disagree, these behavior spirals are difficult to control as they move focus away from the issues which equates to a low satisfaction in group discussion.
People who initiate the disagreeing behavior are often perceived as individuals who focus on the issue, help move the discussion forward and are rational in their points, while people who defend/attack are viewed as moving the focus away from the issue to make things personal and being emotional in their responses.
The communication continues to build with clarifying behaviors that come in the form of seeking information, giving information, summarizing and testing understanding. The use of these behaviors creates mutual understanding through encouraged idea exchange that fosters issue analysis. Like most things in life, too much of a good thing can lead to issues and the high use of clarifying behaviors is no exception as their overuse can lead to a hyper focus on the details that derails action into the realm of lost time with little progress. If you don't utilize the clarifying behaviors, however, a poor decision can be made in haste and the general discussion around the action can be highly disorganized.
'Seekers of Information' are often perceived as individuals who are interested in the ideas of others and keepers of focused discussion that leads to quick issue resolution. High 'Information Givers' are viewed as having less interest in others' ideas and produce disjointed discussions that can often lead people confused with the proposed course of action. A 'Summarizer' provides clarity through conversational structure and keeps the conversation well managed while a 'Understanding Tester' insures that everyone in the group feels heard and is highly rational in their information testing. It's all about balance, my friends. Make sure that you utilize the entire behavioral set for ideal outcomes.
To close it all out, I would like to end with the introduction of proposing behaviors. These nifty little guys are about controlling group participation and I use them OFTEN. The trick to bringing someone in or shutting someone out is the use of their name through this contribution management tool and when properly executed, it will become your new best friend when a contributor is oversharing, hogging the groups limited time, repeating themselves or not providing information that you know the group needs. The following is an example of this tactic: "Thank you so much for your contribution, Ali. INSERT NAME HERE, what are your thoughts on XYZ?" Isn't that the best? It is so simple but in one fail swoop, I have respectfully gotten someone to stop talking and have given another group member the opportunity to contribute. Pure magic.
If you have any questions about these communications dynamics, I am around for a chat. Thanks for tuning in!
