Let’s Talk Feedback

Let’s Talk Feedback

Let me ask you something: how well do you give feedback to the people you love? It may not be anything you had thought about before but it is an insightful question that I would like for you to consider. When you see your partner do something you like, do you tell them? Or do you feel like any kind of intervention is perceived as a confrontation so you stay mum?

Typically, there are three types of feedback that are given at any given time:

1) Silence

2) Negative Criticism

3) Positive Reinforcement

Silence = no response is given.

If you want to maintain the status quo in a relationship, then say nothing but be aware that the use of silence as a feedback tool can produce paranoia, decrease confidence, and reduce contribution to a relationship. Silence is the antithesis of change but is often a feedback style used by many-a-person.  Ugh, when someone you are intimate with gives you verbally nothing in response to pretty much anything, it’s the worrrssstttt. Don't be that person who thinks silence is an appropriate feedback tool – it never gets you to where you want to go.

Negative Criticism = The emotional expression of identified, undesirable behaviors

The ill-guided purpose of its use is to redirect or stop undesirable behaviors. But the use of this feedback framework with inevitably backfire on you as it's use will generate excuses and blame, lead to emotional avoidance and escape, decrease confidence and really impair the relationship. Nothing will deteriorate a relationship quicker than the use of faulty, aggressive language.

Positive Reinforcement = The verbal expression of identified, desirable behaviors

The opposite of negative criticism, positive reinforcement is when you see your partner display a behavior that you would like them to repeat, you tell them that. Research shows that positive reinforcement is the key element in preventing undesirable behavior and is used around the world by teachers and parents alike. Romantic relationships also thrive when positive reinforcement is an often used communication tactic. 

Side note on positive reinforcement: make sure that when you utilize positive reinforcement as a feedback type that you are specific about what you saw and why you want it to be repeated. A general "Good job!" is not specific enough and will not produce a pattern as the receiving individual is likely to think "good job for what?” Remember: When you see it, say it with specificity and kindness. 

Don’t forget that resentment is the silent killer of relationships – I challenge you to utilize positive feedback if there is an improvement you need to see made or a need that you need to have met. Communication is the key to successful relationships. 

Onward,

Ali Johnson-Calderone, LCSW

Ali Johnson Calderone, LCSW

Beefing Up Your Communication Toolbox

By: Ali Johnson-Calderone, LCSW

I'm a consistent user of the Verbal Behavioural Analysis (VBA) model brought into the world of leadership by the Huthwaite International Group. Although it is technically considered management communication for the workplace, its concepts work like pure magic in family dynamics and multi member conversations as well.

In a nutshell, there are four behavior categories with associated actions that build upon each other for improved communication through appropriately controlled group contributor interactions. They are the actions or inactions that should be posed by a parent during family interactions. I have used them consistently for years and after learning and practicing these concepts, our dinner gatherings have become much less chaotic. 

In the simplest of terms, initiating behaviors bring ideas to the table for discussion through the actions of proposing and building. The use of these behaviors create enthusiasm and orients to future action. But be warned, too many initiating behaviors can be overwhelming and lead to stagnation while a lack of initiating behaviors can lead to bogged down discussions and a limited quantity of ideas which is awfully boring.

The reacting behaviors build upon the initiating behaviors where group members support an idea, disagree with an idea or defend/attack a person associated with the idea. You really want to avoid the defensive mode that makes the defend/attack stance personal and focus on the idea itself through support or respectful disagreement. Reacting behaviors lets the group know where your head is at in regard to an idea, helps put information out in the space for discussion and facilitates open communication. However, too many of these behaviors leads to emotional discussions, unresolved conflict and misunderstandings, while too few of the reacting behaviors leads to closed conversation that is repetitive. I'm sure it will come as no surprise to you that people tend not to utilize the supporting action as frequently with strangers and that when your ideas are supported, we trend toward mutual supporting with the idea of "you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours." If individuals choose to defend/attack rather than disagree, these behavior spirals are difficult to control as they move focus away from the issues which equates to a low satisfaction in group discussion. 

People who initiate the disagreeing behavior are often perceived as individuals who focus on the issue, help move the discussion forward and are rational in their points, while people who defend/attack are viewed as moving the focus away from the issue to make things personal and being emotional in their responses. 

The communication continues to build with clarifying behaviors that come in the form of seeking information, giving information, summarizing and testing understanding. The use of these behaviors creates mutual understanding through encouraged idea exchange that fosters issue analysis. Like most things in life, too much of a good thing can lead to issues and the high use of clarifying behaviors is no exception as their overuse can lead to a hyper focus on the details that derails action into the realm of lost time with little progress. If you don't utilize the clarifying behaviors, however, a poor decision can be made in haste and the general discussion around the action can be highly disorganized.

'Seekers of Information' are often perceived as individuals who are interested in the ideas of others and keepers of focused discussion that leads to quick issue resolution. High 'Information Givers' are viewed as having less interest in others' ideas and produce disjointed discussions that can often lead people confused with the proposed course of action. A 'Summarizer' provides clarity through conversational structure and keeps the conversation well managed while a 'Understanding Tester' insures that everyone in the group feels heard and is highly rational in their information testing. It's all about balance, my friends. Make sure that you utilize the entire behavioral set for ideal outcomes.

To close it all out, I would like to end with the introduction of proposing behaviors. These nifty little guys are about controlling group participation and I use them OFTEN. The trick to bringing someone in or shutting someone out is the use of their name through this contribution management tool and when properly executed, it will become your new best friend when a contributor is oversharing, hogging the groups limited time, repeating themselves or not providing information that you know the group needs. The following is an example of this tactic: "Thank you so much for your contribution, Ali. INSERT NAME HERE, what are your thoughts on XYZ?" Isn't that the best? It is so simple but in one fail swoop, I have respectfully gotten someone to stop talking and have given another group member the opportunity to contribute. Pure magic. 

If you have any questions about these communications dynamics, I am around for a chat. Thanks for tuning in!

Ali Johnson Calderone, LCSW

The Four Components of First-Class Communication by Ali Johnson-Calderone, LCSW

By: Ali Johnson-Calderone, LCSW

Communication, y'all. It's one of those hyper annoying buzzwords that you see in relationship publications and on posters at elementary schools. But there is a reason it keeps getting thrown in your face. It's a well-researched fact that without the effective imparting of information, relationships will not thrive and prosper. Because how can people contribute to a partnership in a productive and meaningful way if they don’t know if how they are behaving is effective? 

In my many years of work as a couple's therapist, I have noticed four themes that, when bought into, produce excellent communication. Want to become a communication ninja in the workplace and at home? Read on, my friend. 

Superb communication requires:

1) Good Boundaries. Actually, I am going to rephrase that. Great boundaries. Fantastic boundaries. Boundaries that would put other boundaries to shame. And why, pray tell, are boundaries so important? Ah, I am so glad you asked. Boundaries are vital because without boundaries, you don't have respect. Without respect, you don't have trust. And without trust, a relationship can not sustain. This is true for any type of relationship, whether it is personal, professional or via canine. If you want to have a productive conversation that moves toward action, there has to be trust within the relationship and trust is garnered when your boundaries are respected.

Not only is the acceptance of your placed boundaries important but the setting of boundaries in any relationship is a must-do for truly successful communication to prosper. Why make people guess what is and isn't okay with you, providing an opportunity for trust to be negatively impacted when they inevitably display an action that you find disrespectful. Set your charges up for success by clearly and kindly stating what is appropriate and what isn't. Convey what would be a boundary crossing and what would have negative consequences if it was surpassed or broken. 

Human beings make their best decisions when they know where the boundaries are and what the consequences are for crossing those boundaries. They also have no chance of thriving in a relationship if their boundaries are being crossed and the trust has sailed down river along with their dreams for longevity in happiness. 

2) Expectation setting and the communication of those expectations. My clients hear me say this to them so often that they can routinely quote it back to me: relationships make or break on illicit and explicit expectations.  I know what you are thinking: "What the heck are you talking about, Ali?" Let me explain.

Explicit expectations are an expression of need in a clear, concise, verbal manner. It is saying, "I need XYZ from you" and is often accompanied with an explanation of value or relevance to the self or overarching mission.

Illicit expectations are the expectations that are never voiced. They are what we think should have been done or said by the counterpart but are never put into verbal action. They simmer under the surface of the unsaid and can lead to unproductive resentment toward the other party. They are the slow death of a relationship as once the inevitable breakdown occurs (as resentment is the slow burn of anger), relational repair becomes challenging and time consuming due to out-of-date thought paradigms that have found their cozy little home in your brain. Illicit expectations are a relationship killer and you should be prepared to grieve the loss of that employee or partner if you become lazy with verbal expectation setting.

3) Needs are very different than wants. Like, fundamentally value-based different. In the most basic terms, what you want is optional. Its an added bonus. The proverbial icing on the cake. What you need is not. If needs aren't meet, the relationship will ALWAYS suffer as by definition, one member of the collaboration is not getting sometime essential to them. Because one party's needs are a relational requirement, the kind expression of needs should be relayed by one party and respected by the other before a conversation on wants can take place.

4) What you say, when you say it and how you say it matters. Timing is everything, my friend. In counseling sessions, I teach that when you see it, you need to say it in a kind and even keel tone. The best coaching is always done in real-time and without judgement. Your aim in conversation should always be responsive, not reactive and to be specific about what you saw and how you felt about it, whether it be positive or negative. To obtain a repeat performance, try conducting the specific praise in person in a timely manner; something to the effect of "Thanks again for unloading the dishwater today. You really helped out.” Giving feedback in real time in kind tone is pattern producing gold for relationship dynamics.

So, to bring it all together:

• The boundary-rooted verbalization of expectations based on need is the magic formula for communication success. 

• Boundaries. Explicit expectations. Needs expression. Real-time, specific feedback with warmth: these four components are your communication backbone for successful interactions in leadership.

Let’s keep those communication strategies strong, my friends, and thanks so much for tuning in!

Written by: Ali Johnson Calderone, LCSW