Social Support Over Distancing: Experiences of the LGBTQI Client
By: Thomas Michaels, PsyD, LPC, LCDC
The Stonewall Riots in 1969 began a watershed series of events that, in theory, led to the unification of marginalized people. While I wasn’t present for Stonewall, I was living in Massachussetts in 2004 when I watched the the first same sex marriage take place in our country. I had the privilege of marching in Washington DC for equal protections under law in 2007. The palpable energy and feelings of unity that day I will not forget, and made me proud to be part of something so momentous. Opposition remained in the courts and legislature though. The Supreme Court overturned the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA)- a prohibitive law from the Clinton administration-- in 2013, providing federal benefits to all, regardless of gender. Federal protections came nationwide for same sex marriage followed in 2015. These are just a couple of the highlights I’ve seen with my own eyes of the lasting change made possible by unity, tolerance, and acceptance.
I’ve worked with many members of the community all over the country and learned that exclusion is a part of many of their experiences. The LGBTQI population is not always as unified as one may think or hope.
“Coming out” frequently promises hope to a period of life that is isolating and lacking in warmth and love. Those feelings can persist long after identifying with the community that is thought to celebrate those qualities. Subgroups within the gay or lesbian community, negative attitudes towards bisexuality by presumable allies, and valued archetypes create a sense of low self esteem that can be paralyzing. Some of these include:
Toxic masculinity femininity/heteronormativity that is carried from development(i.e. Men or women look/talk/behave a certain way, and if you don’t then you’re “less than” ).
Ideas about family that are limiting and do not allow for the inclusion of those who are most important to the individual.
Continued fear of judgment or rejection both from within the community and from larger society and an insecurity of not being supported by those around them when it matters most.
The misinformation that suicidal ideation, drug use/abuse, and other experiences are at the core of the LGBTI experience.
The following are skills LGBTI clients from my past have vocalized to combat isolation:
Re-define family. Choose healthy people (and pets) with whom to surround yourself. Don’t let more than a few days since you’ve heard from someone you care about pass without telling someone you care.
Develop traditions throughout the year to keep yourself anchored in your community.
Join one or more 12-step fellowship such as Al-Alon, AA/NA, etc. Many of these fellowships have centers that have resources and activities that provide depth to your social circle.
“Meet-ups”ⓒ(both virtual and in person, based on your level of comfort) to increase and expand your social network.
Ensure you have places to go when you feel emotionally/physically unsafe and to provide to those you love for when/if they need them. While interpersonal violence or thoughts of self-harm don’t have to be part of our lives, all too often they can be.
I welcome a dialog on this topic.
How do you experience acceptance or isolation, and develop your own connections, most importantly with your true self today?
What tools do you use to mitigate feelings of loneliness and isolation in your life?
