Communication, y'all. It's one of those hyper annoying buzzwords that you see in relationship publications and on posters at elementary schools. But there is a reason it keeps getting thrown in your face. It's a well-researched fact that without the effective imparting of information, relationships will not thrive and prosper. Because how can people contribute to a partnership in a productive and meaningful way if they don’t know if how they are behaving is effective?
In my many years of work as a couple's therapist, I have noticed four themes that, when bought into, produce excellent communication. Want to become a communication ninja in the workplace and at home? Read on, my friend.
Superb communication requires:
1) Good Boundaries. Actually, I am going to rephrase that. Great boundaries. Fantastic boundaries. Boundaries that would put other boundaries to shame. And why, pray tell, are boundaries so important? Ah, I am so glad you asked. Boundaries are vital because without boundaries, you don't have respect. Without respect, you don't have trust. And without trust, a relationship can not sustain. This is true for any type of relationship, whether it is personal, professional or via canine. If you want to have a productive conversation that moves toward action, there has to be trust within the relationship and trust is garnered when your boundaries are respected.
Not only is the acceptance of your placed boundaries important but the setting of boundaries in any relationship is a must-do for truly successful communication to prosper. Why make people guess what is and isn't okay with you, providing an opportunity for trust to be negatively impacted when they inevitably display an action that you find disrespectful. Set your charges up for success by clearly and kindly stating what is appropriate and what isn't. Convey what would be a boundary crossing and what would have negative consequences if it was surpassed or broken.
Human beings make their best decisions when they know where the boundaries are and what the consequences are for crossing those boundaries. They also have no chance of thriving in a relationship if their boundaries are being crossed and the trust has sailed down river along with their dreams for longevity in happiness.
2) Expectation setting and the communication of those expectations. My clients hear me say this to them so often that they can routinely quote it back to me: relationships make or break on illicit and explicit expectations. I know what you are thinking: "What the heck are you talking about, Ali?" Let me explain.
Explicit expectations are an expression of need in a clear, concise, verbal manner. It is saying, "I need XYZ from you" and is often accompanied with an explanation of value or relevance to the self or overarching mission.
Illicit expectations are the expectations that are never voiced. They are what we think should have been done or said by the counterpart but are never put into verbal action. They simmer under the surface of the unsaid and can lead to unproductive resentment toward the other party. They are the slow death of a relationship as once the inevitable breakdown occurs (as resentment is the slow burn of anger), relational repair becomes challenging and time consuming due to out-of-date thought paradigms that have found their cozy little home in your brain. Illicit expectations are a relationship killer and you should be prepared to grieve the loss of that employee or partner if you become lazy with verbal expectation setting.
3) Needs are very different than wants. Like, fundamentally value-based different. In the most basic terms, what you want is optional. Its an added bonus. The proverbial icing on the cake. What you need is not. If needs aren't meet, the relationship will ALWAYS suffer as by definition, one member of the collaboration is not getting sometime essential to them. Because one party's needs are a relational requirement, the kind expression of needs should be relayed by one party and respected by the other before a conversation on wants can take place.
4) What you say, when you say it and how you say it matters. Timing is everything, my friend. In counseling sessions, I teach that when you see it, you need to say it in a kind and even keel tone. The best coaching is always done in real-time and without judgement. Your aim in conversation should always be responsive, not reactive and to be specific about what you saw and how you felt about it, whether it be positive or negative. To obtain a repeat performance, try conducting the specific praise in person in a timely manner; something to the effect of "Thanks again for unloading the dishwater today. You really helped out.” Giving feedback in real time in kind tone is pattern producing gold for relationship dynamics.
So, to bring it all together:
The boundary-rooted verbalization of expectations based on need is the magic formula for communication success.
Boundaries. Explicit expectations. Needs expression. Real-time, specific feedback with warmth: these four components are your communication backbone for successful interactions in leadership.
Let’s keep those communication strategies strong, my friends, and thanks so much for tuning in!
