Let’s Talk Feedback
Let me ask you something: how well do you give feedback to the people you love? It may not be anything you had thought about before but it is an insightful question that I would like for you to consider. When you see your partner do something you like, do you tell them? Or do you feel like any kind of intervention is perceived as a confrontation so you stay mum?
Typically, there are three types of feedback that are given at any given time:
1) Silence
2) Negative Criticism
3) Positive Reinforcement
Silence = no response is given.
If you want to maintain the status quo in a relationship, then say nothing but be aware that the use of silence as a feedback tool can produce paranoia, decrease confidence, and reduce contribution to a relationship. Silence is the antithesis of change but is often a feedback style used by many-a-person. Ugh, when someone you are intimate with gives you verbally nothing in response to pretty much anything, it’s the worrrssstttt. Don't be that person who thinks silence is an appropriate feedback tool – it never gets you to where you want to go.
Negative Criticism = The emotional expression of identified, undesirable behaviors
The ill-guided purpose of its use is to redirect or stop undesirable behaviors. But the use of this feedback framework with inevitably backfire on you as it's use will generate excuses and blame, lead to emotional avoidance and escape, decrease confidence and really impair the relationship. Nothing will deteriorate a relationship quicker than the use of faulty, aggressive language.
Positive Reinforcement = The verbal expression of identified, desirable behaviors
The opposite of negative criticism, positive reinforcement is when you see your partner display a behavior that you would like them to repeat, you tell them that. Research shows that positive reinforcement is the key element in preventing undesirable behavior and is used around the world by teachers and parents alike. Romantic relationships also thrive when positive reinforcement is an often used communication tactic.
Side note on positive reinforcement: make sure that when you utilize positive reinforcement as a feedback type that you are specific about what you saw and why you want it to be repeated. A general "Good job!" is not specific enough and will not produce a pattern as the receiving individual is likely to think "good job for what?” Remember: When you see it, say it with specificity and kindness.
Don’t forget that resentment is the silent killer of relationships – I challenge you to utilize positive feedback if there is an improvement you need to see made or a need that you need to have met. Communication is the key to successful relationships.
Onward,
Ali Johnson-Calderone, LCSW
