Max Lucado once said "conflict is inevitable but combat is optional" and as a human being who interacts with others, insight into the sources and prosperous conditions of conflict can help you avoid battle. The dictionary defines conflict as "a mental struggle resulting from incompatible or opposing needs, drives, wishes or external or internal demands." Our 18 hours of wake time is full of these clashing components as we balance the desires of all the stakeholders in our lives. If the needs/drives/wishes/demands of these stakeholders align during some cosmic period of time, enjoy it while it lasts because something will eventually shift, resulting in incompatibility. And so my question to you is this...
What Conflict are you currently experiencing?
Unfortunately, conflict will always arise due to its definitive existence so the development of conflict resolution skills is a MUST. And so we are going to begin that education on the sources and ideal conditions of discord right now. Yay!
To start, I have seen five main sources of conflict throughout my years as a therapist. The five biggies are:
1) Competition for limited resources
2) Cashing of values
3) Human drive for success, recognition, and power
4) Change
5) Poorly defined responsibilities
Can you relate? Think about times when you have had internal or external conflict surrounding around or directly with your spouse, your child, your parent, your friend, your neighbor, your boss, your coworker or the customer service representative at your home internet company who upped the cost of service when the pandemic hit (so not cool). Did the source of the conflict hit one of the five categories listed? Chances are, they did, as human beings tend to compete for what there isn't much of, differ in their principles, are ego-centric in nature, avoid change and don't always asks questions for clarification when they don't understand what they are supposed to be doing. What can we say? Being a human is a complicated business.
Although you cannot prevent the existence of conflict, you CAN avoid the conditions that create its prosperity. It has also been my experience that there are three conditions that exasperate conflict: when individuals make inaccurate assumptions; when individuals inadequately listen and when individuals utilize positional bargaining to get what they want. Let's dive in deeper.
Inaccurate assumptions. Let's talk assumptions. We live in a world of self-generating beliefs where we adopt those beliefs based on conclusions and conclusions are formed by what we infer from our observations and past experiences. We get into trouble when we believe that:
1) Our beliefs are the only truth
2) The truth is obvious
3) Our beliefs are based on real data
4) The data we select is real data
And this is where the ladder of inference comes into play. In a nutshell, we can find supporting evidence for any thought that we have already formed, as we add meaning to unsubstantiated data, causing us to make assumptions in the form of beliefs and with those beliefs, we take action. An unchecked ladder of inference journey can be the death of you, my friend. I see its improper use on the reg and so I challenge you to become intimate with insight and keep your ladder of inference in check.
Inadequate listening. Some people don't even put up a pretense of listening and just flat out ignore those in their lives. Some people pretend to listen but are noticeable else where in their thoughts. Some people selectively listen and process only specific sections of the conversation, picking and choosing what they deem important (latter of inference anyone?). And finally, some people purposefully listen by staying present and using clarifying behaviors to better understand what their employee is trying to communicate. Which person do you want to spend your time with?
Positional bargaining. Ugh. When I think of position bargaining, the first thing that comes to my mind is an ultimatum. Positional bargaining and ultimatums are not synonyms of each other but in my experience as a couples therapist, when a partner lays down an ultimatum instead of working with me on negotiation skill obtainment, it almost always leads to the demise of the romantic relationship (I have a whole soapbox on Ultimatum's that I will spare you from but do yourself a favor and don't deliver them. People often use them in a poor attempt at boundary setting but they are destructive, inappropriate and will guarantee conflict. If you don't know how to properly boundary or expectation set, give me a call.)
I digress. Let's refocus on positional bargaining. Positional bargaining is similar to ultimatum delivery in that you get a reaction of some kind with an associated decision that initiates action, but the outcome is often not what you were hoping for. I could do a whole post on positional bargaining but for the sake of this writing and positional bargaining's relation to conflict, I will simply draw attention to it's use outcomes. As a whole, arguing over positions produces unwise agreements, is inefficient and endangers ongoing relationships. The more parties involved in the positional bargaining, the more serious the drawbacks as positional bargaining is a hostile exercise focused on being right rather than moving forward and with too many cooks in the kitchen, things can get really messy. To avoid conflict, practice appropriate negotiation skills as you focus on the problem, develop options, have an objective criteria and support interests versus positions.
Conflict in life is inevitable but it doesn't have to slow you down or impair your relationships. Being aware of where conflict can really take off will help you in navigating these communications so that you can move seamlessly through discord without any destruction in your wake. As always, I am here if you need any help. After this read, I ask that you ponder not only the sources of conflict but also the conditions in which they prosper to see if any of these components are part of your day-to-day. If so, I challenge you to gain the skills needed to lessen conflict in your world so that you can prosper in the life you are selecting for yourself.
Thanks for tuning in!
Ali Johnson-Calderone, LCSW
