When you think of your teen, what do you think?
Do sweet moments of laughter and meaningful conversation come to mind? Or do repetitive bouts of shoulder-shrugging, eye-rolling, and door slamming better describe communication right now?
It's okay. You're still a good parent. Their teenage brain is firing and misfiring in a million strange ways on its way to adulthood. As weird as it all seems, things are likely progressing quite normally.
What’s key to moving forward with the least amount of damage to your relationship (and themselves)? Your ability to keep calm and empathize.
It's true. Though cracking down, doubling down, or shutting down seem like the answer, consider the opposite approach. Think about lifting your child up with as much compassion, consideration, and constructive connection as you can muster. Though you may not be able to tell, they love and look up to you.
Adolescence is a Tumultuous Ride
From the outside, teens seem to be a strangely unpredictable and emotional departure from the enjoyable child you once knew. They may seem confused, angry, depressed, or anxious. If you can tap into the reasons behind their behavior, it's easier to recall your own teen years and be more empathetic. Consider the following:
Teens are living through rapid physical and mental shifts
The shift from child to adult is amazing. Changes in their bodies, hormones, sexual awareness, self-perception, friendships, skills, and more are undeniable.
Mentally and emotionally, they are almost brand new! They want independence and to fit in with their peers. Being sensitive to the dual experience of self-doubt and self-discovery in our information age can take the edge off such a stimulating and exhausting time.
Teen brains process information differently
So your teen is impulsive, on edge, irritable, and lacking good judgment? For the most part, you can thank a frontal cortex that isn’t fully developed. Again, this is normal at this age.
Because the region of their brain that handles logical thinking is still growing, the more primitive parts of the brain associated with emotions, drive much of their behavior.
Fear, for example, can drive information processing. Thus, fear of missing out (FOMO) or being judged can lead to lots of unpredictable behavior that require patience and empathy on your part.
Teens are socially stressed
The social landscape of most teens is stressful to look at from the outside. Normal, daily events like school, clubs, or sports carry enough competition and interpersonal pressure. Add the strain of social media, social distancing through a global pandemic, family strife, or any personal issues, and "stressed' don't begin to cover it. Throw in a teenage romance and teen your teen likely needs you to be their soft place to land on a routine basis.
Engaging your teen with calm, open communication and acceptance can help thwart poor self-esteem, anxiety, and depression. Empathy from you says "I see you and hear you. I know who you are and I love you unconditionally."
Your Empathy is a Significant Help to Their Ability to Cope
Empathy aids your connection to your teen's emotions. Cognitive empathy aids comprehension of your teen’s perspective, even if you don't feel the same way. Your teen needs both from you. It is both affirming and a signal that you honor their attempts to grow into their own person.
By sharing your feelings ("I felt awkward in high school too") instead of directing their behavior with your experience ("when I was in high school, I just joined clubs to fit in") you signal understanding rather than a need to correct their behavior.
Empathy will allow them to see that you get them without solving their problems for them. You love them without undermining your faith in them. The goal is to ease up a bit, come alongside them wherever they are emotionally, influencing and relating to them authentically.
That's when doors stop slamming, trust is built in new, more grown-up ways, and respectful communication grows.
Empathizing with Teen Angst Takes Skill-Building
Parental empathy is not a natural outgrowth of parenting younger children. Often the shift is jarring, fraught with missteps, and can be a depressing journey for the whole family. But it doesn't have to be. Interacting with your teen productively is a skill built on other skills that you both need. Skills like emotional regulation, listening, and conflict resolution are crucial.
Empathy isn’t always easy. Change takes time. Growth takes work.
That's okay. It's all possible with commitment and support. As an adult, you can start first by modeling the importance of reaching out. We're here to help. Please read more about parenting therapy and family transitions. Then, contact us, and let's work things out together.
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