What is Self-Compassion?

Written By: Sabrina Eads, LPC

What is Self-Compassion?

“Compassion is, by definition, relational. Compassion literally means 'to suffer with,' which implies a basic mutuality in the experience of suffering. The emotion of compassion springs from the recognition that the human experience is imperfect.”
― Kristin Neff, Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself

In my mind, self-compassion is a way of allowing yourself to give support to the part of you that is suffering.  Self-compassion might look like being kind to yourself, even when you make an error, or fail.  It might look like thinking or saying supportive words to yourself after noticing something about your appearance or personality that you don't like.  It might look like allowing yourself to rest in spite of an urge to remain constantly in motion to achieve a goal.  In my practice, I utilize guided meditations that assist clients in thinking about ways to move towards compassionate responses to their own inner thoughts, and I utilize them as the client relaxes.  The below is one such meditation.  At times I have recorded meditations to be replayed for clients when not in session.  

Self-Compassion Meditation

When I was born, I started out on this journey ready to experience life.  The road may have been bumpy at times, but I am constantly in flux and am working towards believing in myself and allowing the good in me to shine through.  

I deserve love and compassion, primarily from myself.  I extend that lovingkindness towards myself first.  By opening myself up to self-directed love, I prime the pump. Love, which is a renewable resource, continues to flourish and flow through me.  When I extend love to myself, I feel loved, and I have all the more love to give to others.

I deserve to feel happiness, and moments of joy.  I know discomfort and hard emotions will still occur, but I deserve to savor and appreciate the moments that happen in my life that bring a smile to my face.  In savoring these moments, I grant them the importance they deserve and experience a sense of gratitude that I experienced these feelings.

I deserve peace.  I deserve to know that though suffering is part of life, it is also temporary.  As I shift my thoughts to learning tolerance and acceptance, I know that the times I do feel peace, I acknowledge this sense of stillness and stay present in the moment to let those feelings flow through my whole self.  After a time, the peace will move along, just like any suffering will as well.  They each will come again, and I know that I can accept either and still be OK.

I am a flawed human being, as all human beings are flawed.  I may make mistakes, both large and small, and so may other loved ones in my life.  Those who are not in my life may also make mistakes that impact me.  I forgive myself any errors, whether intentional or unintentional.  I forgive others the same as I do myself.  I take accountability for my errors, and work to make amends to myself, or to others my actions have impacted, so that I may show myself and others that I take my errors seriously enough to want to address them, but also can allow others and myself to rebuild and repair those errors.   Opportunities (to learn, to grow, to change) often come disguised at things I perceive as a failure or mistake, so I give myself patience and understanding as I continue through life's path as a person who is always a work in progress.

I care for my mind, and my body.  I  incorporate joyful movement to help both my mind and body, taking care to gently do so in a way that respects any limits that are in place for safety.  I listen to my body and feed it what it needs for good nutrition, but also for joy.  I do not allow diet culture to prescribe what I should and shouldn't eat, nor what I should and shouldn't look like.  My body is OK as it is right now, and helps me to achieve my goals in the world around me.  I send it gratitude for helping me move and take care of my needs and wants.  I care for my mind by practicing mindfulness, meditating, and using stress relief techniques daily.  I live in the present moment as much of the time as I can, developing this skill all the more as I practice.  I care for my emotional health by sitting with my emotions, and facing them head on, even when they are painful.  I utilize the bravery and strength I possess to do so, and allow myself to feel them rather than avoid them.  That may mean I cry, or scream, or need to move around a lot.  Even when struggling, I remind myself that I still deserve love and compassion from myself.  I commit to these things in the hopes of continued growth.  May I always return to this place of peace and meditative thought; may I always place hand on heart and send myself love and kindness any time I need it.

Sabrina Eads, LPC

Mindful Eating: Getting out of Autopilot and Back to Enjoyment

Written By: Tzvi Prochnik, LCSW

When was the last time that you ate a meal that you truly enjoyed? Do you remember what the food tasted like, smelled like, textures, colors, the temperature of the food? Do you remember where you were when you had this meal? Were you alone or were you with friends or family? Do you remember the atmosphere of the meal? Were you having an amazing conversation and laughing with the people around you? Did you savor each bite of what you were eating? 

Often when people try to recall a memorable meal it can take them some time. Usually, they’ll think of a special occasion where they were with loved ones, out at a nice restaurant in a beautiful place. Or sometimes they’ll think of a home cooked meal their parents always make when they visit home. Or maybe it was a new recipe their partner spent Friday evening carefully preparing for them. 

On the other hand, if I asked you to recall what you ate for dinner on a Wednesday three weeks ago, you might have more trouble bringing to mind what you ate. If I asked you to recall sensory details from that dinner you would likely struggle: “I think it was a turkey sandwich? It tasted okay, nothing special, maybe a little bland?” Or maybe you could bring to mind a meal that you thought tasted good. Maybe you picked up a fast food burger and fries from your favorite burger chain. But, when you brought it home you ended up turning on your favorite show, eating the burger in a couple minutes and the next thing you remember is falling asleep on the couch. You hardly even remember how the burger tasted.

The reality is that many people operate on autopilot when it comes to eating. Most people eat from a mix of emotions and habits. They might eat mindlessly without taking a second to pause and appreciate the flavors or any other details of what they are consuming. They might eat to calm themselves down after a stressful day or to avoid thinking about other issues in their lives. On the flip side, other people may have great difficulty consuming any food at all. Eating may be a stressful activity associated with judgment, negativity, and fear. It may be hard to really enjoy food, even food that tastes good because it is so closely linked with body image issues and past hurts. 

One of the simplest ways to shift this unhealthy relationship that most people have with this basic activity is introducing mindfulness to the experience. Mindfulness simply defined is bringing an open, non-judgmental attention to whatever experience we are having in the present moment. Although mindfulness has become increasingly popular and accepted in our culture, many people still associate it primarily with the image of someone sitting cross-legged on a meditation cushion focusing on their breathing in a quiet place. While mindfulness certainly can include a formal sitting meditation practice, that is only one way to practice this approach to living. Mindfulness can be applied to any activity that we participate in throughout the day, and eating is an activity that can serve as a perfect place to incorporate mindfulness. 

Eating mindfully involves slowing down the process of eating and bringing attention to each bite of food we are consuming. Sometimes it can help to start with something small to demonstrate how this process works. 

How to Eat Mindfully

You can start with a piece of fruit, or really anything that is small enough to fit in your hand and isn’t going to be affected by temperature. You can begin by setting a timer for 3 minutes. Place the piece of food into the palm of your hand. Take a moment to place your gaze on this food item. Take in the colors, shapes, textures. You can move it around on your hand, observing it from different angles. Spend about 30 seconds observing the food item. You might have thoughts pop into your mind about this experience like: “This is stupid. Why am I wasting my time staring at food?” It’s normal to have all kinds of thoughts when engaging in a mindfulness activity, and thoughts are not a problem. Any time you notice yourself getting lost in thought just bring your attention back to your senses. 

Next, bring the food item up to your nostrils. Take in any smells that might be coming from the food. It can sometimes help to close your eyes so that you can really take in the food through your sense of smell. Notice if anything happens in your stomach or your mouth as you smell the food. Spend about 30 seconds smelling the food. 

Next, place the food item onto your tongue. You can close your eyes again if that helps tune into your senses. Don’t take a bite yet! Just, notice how it feels on your tongue. Notice if any of the flavors from the food are already getting released by the taste receptors on your tongue. Spend about 30 seconds with it on your tongue. 

Now, very slowly you can move the food around your mouth and take a bite. Chew the food slowly. Notice what flavors are coming up. Notice the sensations in your mouth. Notice how it feels to be chewing the food. Notice any flavors you are getting. Spend about 30 seconds chewing the food.

When you are ready you can swallow the food and notice how it feels as it travels down your throat and moves towards your stomach. Now notice how your whole body feels as you have finished chewing the food.

This simple exercise is the foundation of mindful eating. It demonstrates how you can tune into your 5 senses the next time you are eating. While of course it isn’t realistic for most people to eat every meal in this way, setting the intention to begin this practice by eating one meal a day mindfully can be a great place to start. It can help to set a timer if you have the habit of eating quickly. Try to give yourself at least 30 minutes to eat your meal. Bring a mindful awareness to each bite of food that you consume. Take time to slowly chew each bite before moving on to the next bite. It can help to put down your fork between each bite so that you are not already mentally moving on to the next bite before finishing the first. If you notice yourself slipping into autopilot mode again, don’t worry! That is very normal. When you’ve had a lifetime of eating for efficiency it takes time to retrain your mind and body to slow down. Give this practice a try and see how it can help shift your relationship towards food and your body. 

**If you found this article interesting and want to learn more I recommend looking at Eating Mindfully by Susan Albers, Psyd. It’s a more in-depth look at incorporating mindfulness into your life through eating and the psychology behind why it works.

Tzvi Prochnik, LCSW

Breaking Free From The Chains of Perfectionism

Written By: Tzvi Prochnik, LCSW

• Are you someone who is seen as a high achiever? 

• Do other people think you have it all together?

• Do people go to you when they need help with a task because they view you as an expert? 

These all sound like they can be positive qualities and can be helpful in our modern world that values productivity, expertise, self motivation and standing out from the crowd. However, depending on your mindset, being a “high achiever” or “driven” can quickly shift from being a positive quality into the more negative realm of perfectionism. Perfectionism is a habit of thinking and behaving where nothing feels good enough and you never feel at ease.

Unfortunately, the idea of perfection is a myth that many people get swept up into. The irony is that the harder you strive for perfection the more likely you are to feel disappointed. Every aspect of our world can be improved if we inspect it under a microscope and look for its flaws. Everything can be tweaked, altered, streamlined. Not only do perfectionists see all the flaws in the world around them, but they are also acutely aware of their own flaws. It makes it hard to ever truly enjoy an experience or be proud of something they’ve done, because they’re always looking for ways it could be better. 

If you’re a perfectionist reading this you might be thinking: I know all this stuff already! This is my reality, tell me something that I can do about it. What if I were to tell you that the key to breaking the curse of perfectionism is to strive to be average? If you’re a perfectionist, striving to be average might sound pretty scary. If you try to be average you might worry that you won’t get to where you want to go in life, that your life will be boring or unfulfilling. But, for perfectionists striving to be average actually turns out to be pretty good. If you go for average you save yourself all the mental stress and strain of obsessing about how you could have improved on one slight detail. You allow yourself to be flawed and human, and then you’re also more forgiving to the world around you. I’m not saying that you would in fact be “average”. This is the trick to this whole concept.

Being “average” is also another cognitive distortion, because there is no all powerful being behind the scenes judging everything we do and measuring it in comparison to the things all other humans do (at least in a non-religious sense). The concept is that if someone with very high standards for themselves and others strives for a more average performance, on more things, they’ll actually begin enjoying themselves more and get themselves out of the very limited path that they have created for themselves in the world, that’s making them miserable.

A key trap that many perfectionists fall into is deciding not to do things they might actually enjoy, because they worry that it won’t be perfect. So, a perfectionist might not risk engaging in an activity like going to a casual drawing class because they worry they won’t be able to produce a perfect drawing. They might actually enjoy the process of drawing, find it relaxing and maybe even talk to some people in the class once they’re engaged, but instead they choose to avoid the experience entirely for fear of failure. 

My recommendation is if you struggle with perfectionism to give yourself permission to do more things at an average level of effort. You might be surprised by the above average results!

Tzvi Prochnik, LCSW

Easy Ways to Integrate Self-Care into Your Daily Routine

Written By: Laura Squiers, LPC

Easy Ways to Integrate Self-Care into Your Daily Routine 

Small acts of self-care throughout your day and week can have a lasting and positive impact on your mental health. Self-care can help manage stress, increase energy, and can even help your body fight against illness! 

Bedtime Routine - Sleep is so important! You probably already know that getting sufficient, restful sleep is vital for our bodies to function. Good quality sleep can have an impact on our mental health as well. Studies have shown links between sleep and depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, to name a few. Limiting screen time (blue light exposure), listening to a bedtime meditation, or using a relaxing essential oil like lavender can help create a more effective bedtime routine. 

Morning Routine - What you do immediately after waking up each morning sets the tone for your entire day. For example, if you’re constantly rushing around or running late in the mornings, you’ve probably noticed an increase in your stress level throughout the day. Try resisting the urge to check your phone and instead, opt for a 60 second (or longer) full-body stretch routine. Listen to some uplifting music, or positive affirmations while you shower, brush your teeth, put on makeup, etc. Or, practice being mindful while you eat your breakfast, or drink your morning coffee. 

Lunch Break - Take those breaks throughout the day! Whether you get one lunch break, or have more freedom in your work day, taking time to step away from the computer and allow your mind (and your eyes) to rest can make a huge difference. Simple self-care practices like stretching, a mindfulness or grounding activity, a few deep breaths, a walk outside, or meditation can help decrease stress levels and improve focus when it’s time to return to work. 

Schedule It - Some people also like to schedule self-care outside of the moments listed above. This could mean putting that 20 minute meditation on your calendar (and holding yourself accountable!). Maybe you already have your weekly gym or yoga schedule down, or maybe now is the perfect time to be proactive and schedule your self-care! 

Laura Squiers, LPC