Beefing Up Your Communication Toolbox

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I'm a consistent user of the Verbal Behavioural Analysis (VBA) model brought into the world of leadership by the Huthwaite International Group. Although it is technically considered management communication for the workplace, its concepts work like pure magic in family dynamics and multi member conversations as well.

In a nutshell, there are four behavior categories with associated actions that build upon each other for improved communication through appropriately controlled group contributor interactions. They are the actions or inactions that should be posed by a parent during family interactions. I have used them consistently for years and after learning and practicing these concepts, our dinner gatherings have become much less chaotic. 

In the simplest of terms, initiating behaviors bring ideas to the table for discussion through the actions of proposing and building. The use of these behaviors create enthusiasm and orients to future action. But be warned, too many initiating behaviors can be overwhelming and lead to stagnation while a lack of initiating behaviors can lead to bogged down discussions and a limited quantity of ideas which is awfully boring.

The reacting behaviors build upon the initiating behaviors where group members support an idea, disagree with an idea or defend/attack a person associated with the idea. You really want to avoid the defensive mode that makes the defend/attack stance personal and focus on the idea itself through support or respectful disagreement. Reacting behaviors lets the group know where your head is at in regard to an idea, helps put information out in the space for discussion and facilitates open communication. However, too many of these behaviors leads to emotional discussions, unresolved conflict and misunderstandings, while too few of the reacting behaviors leads to closed conversation that is repetitive. I'm sure it will come as no surprise to you that people tend not to utilize the supporting action as frequently with strangers and that when your ideas are supported, we trend toward mutual supporting with the idea of "you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours." If individuals choose to defend/attack rather than disagree, these behavior spirals are difficult to control as they move focus away from the issues which equates to a low satisfaction in group discussion. 

People who initiate the disagreeing behavior are often perceived as individuals who focus on the issue, help move the discussion forward and are rational in their points, while people who defend/attack are viewed as moving the focus away from the issue to make things personal and being emotional in their responses. 

The communication continues to build with clarifying behaviors that come in the form of seeking information, giving information, summarizing and testing understanding. The use of these behaviors creates mutual understanding through encouraged idea exchange that fosters issue analysis. Like most things in life, too much of a good thing can lead to issues and the high use of clarifying behaviors is no exception as their overuse can lead to a hyper focus on the details that derails action into the realm of lost time with little progress. If you don't utilize the clarifying behaviors, however, a poor decision can be made in haste and the general discussion around the action can be highly disorganized.

'Seekers of Information' are often perceived as individuals who are interested in the ideas of others and keepers of focused discussion that leads to quick issue resolution. High 'Information Givers' are viewed as having less interest in others' ideas and produce disjointed discussions that can often lead people confused with the proposed course of action. A 'Summarizer' provides clarity through conversational structure and keeps the conversation well managed while a 'Understanding Tester' insures that everyone in the group feels heard and is highly rational in their information testing. It's all about balance, my friends. Make sure that you utilize the entire behavioral set for ideal outcomes.

To close it all out, I would like to end with the introduction of proposing behaviors. These nifty little guys are about controlling group participation and I use them OFTEN. The trick to bringing someone in or shutting someone out is the use of their name through this contribution management tool and when properly executed, it will become your new best friend when a contributor is oversharing, hogging the groups limited time, repeating themselves or not providing information that you know the group needs. The following is an example of this tactic: "Thank you so much for your contribution, Ali. INSERT NAME HERE, what are your thoughts on XYZ?" Isn't that the best? It is so simple but in one fail swoop, I have respectfully gotten someone to stop talking and have given another group member the opportunity to contribute. Pure magic. 


If you have any questions about these communications dynamics, I am around for a chat. Thanks for tuning in!

Rumination. Communication. Repeat.

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Do you ever find yourself replaying the circumstances of an event or situation over and over in your head until you move on to repetitious thoughts about how you should have responded (if you were reactive) or how you want to acknowledge the incident, if you are crafting your word delivery for a future date? If so, you are not alone. Today we are going to talk about some strategies that can alleviate the reoccurring thoughts that have wedged their way into your headspace.

By definition, rumination is the tendency to repetitively focus on a problem without arriving at a solution and while everyone experiences ruminating thoughts, the frequency and debilitating effects of these disturbances vary from person to person. If your recycled thoughts are creating an instability in your decision-making abilities, then its time to come in for a therapy session or two with a solution to the source of the thought repeat being the goal of intervention. If you find yourself hyper-focusing on something that is not debilitating, then I suggest you try these strategies for communication and cycle-break success:

Recognize when something contradicts a value system you possess. When a decision or action by another person contradicts a value we hold, we are innately more reactive and less level headed. Acknowledging that here is a value conflict allows us to squash a passionate outburst that we would be inclined to deliver had the recognition of the value conflict not have taken place. An example of this verbal dialogue may present like this: “This decision contradicts my belief in X. Because of this, my initial response will be visceral. This is why I need to take a moment before I respond and know that I would like to see happen instead of this.” Whenever we are disagreeing with a decision, it is always best to come to the proverbial table with a decision or action that would be acceptable to you and that does not contradict a value that you possess.

When you are ruminating over a situation, write your thoughts down in bullet points, utilizing incomplete sentences. This tactic will curb the recycled thoughts as moving our notions from our brains to paper has powerful effects in stability establishment as the rumination tends to soften as we move the concepts to something tangible. Click here for a research study on the positive effects of bullet journaling to bridle repetitive thoughts.

When you need to respond to a situation or event, write down what you want the “take away” to be for the other party. Identifying what you would like the other party to garner from the interaction allows you to be more sis-sync in your communication, which allows for a hyper focus on the objective. When you strategize on how to take action, I highly doubt that rambling for 20 minutes on a host of topics that don’t have to do with the event you has been on repeat in your brain is part of your plan. Construct the conversation around what you want your “take away” to be and consider the conversation a success if the other party walks away with the information you want them to have.

If your rumination leads you toward action in dialogue with another, remember to focus on the ONE issue or source of the problem. It is best not to bring other topics into the conversation as the reason for the discussion can get lost in the verbiage. I also recommend that you do not “issue pile” by bringing up past concerns in this conversation unless you have data that supports a pattern. Each issue uncovered in a relational dynamic needs to be an isolated conversation and I highly suggest that you write the concern down and have it accessible during the conversation (if possible) so that you can stay focused on the single issue as well as the “take away” that you have isolated in the strategy prior.

Tone is EVERYTHING. If you don’t say something in a way that is receptive, your message will never be received. An aggressive or passionate tone can trigger the “Fight or Flight” response in another human being which naturally pulls up an individual’s wall of protection, changing the course of the conversation and your ability to solve the problem associated with the rumination event.

Presenting in a calm tone that stays focused on the conversation “take away,” avoids “issue piling” and is cognizant of a value contradiction after jotting down your thoughts in bullet form is considered a successful communication strategy that will allow you to move on from a mind-occupying event. Give these tactics a try during your next rumination cycle and let me know how it turned out!

Until next time!

The Four Components of First-Class Communication by Ali Johnson-Calderone, LCSW

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Communication, y'all. It's one of those hyper annoying buzzwords that you see in relationship publications and on posters at elementary schools. But there is a reason it keeps getting thrown in your face. It's a well-researched fact that without the effective imparting of information, relationships will not thrive and prosper. Because how can people contribute to a partnership in a productive and meaningful way if they don’t know if how they are behaving is effective? 

In my many years of work as a couple's therapist, I have noticed four themes that, when bought into, produce excellent communication. Want to become a communication ninja in the workplace and at home? Read on, my friend. 

Superb communication requires:

1) Good Boundaries. Actually, I am going to rephrase that. Great boundaries. Fantastic boundaries. Boundaries that would put other boundaries to shame. And why, pray tell, are boundaries so important? Ah, I am so glad you asked. Boundaries are vital because without boundaries, you don't have respect. Without respect, you don't have trust. And without trust, a relationship can not sustain. This is true for any type of relationship, whether it is personal, professional or via canine. If you want to have a productive conversation that moves toward action, there has to be trust within the relationship and trust is garnered when your boundaries are respected.

Not only is the acceptance of your placed boundaries important but the setting of boundaries in any relationship is a must-do for truly successful communication to prosper. Why make people guess what is and isn't okay with you, providing an opportunity for trust to be negatively impacted when they inevitably display an action that you find disrespectful. Set your charges up for success by clearly and kindly stating what is appropriate and what isn't. Convey what would be a boundary crossing and what would have negative consequences if it was surpassed or broken. 

Human beings make their best decisions when they know where the boundaries are and what the consequences are for crossing those boundaries. They also have no chance of thriving in a relationship if their boundaries are being crossed and the trust has sailed down river along with their dreams for longevity in happiness. 

2) Expectation setting and the communication of those expectations. My clients hear me say this to them so often that they can routinely quote it back to me: relationships make or break on illicit and explicit expectations.  I know what you are thinking: "What the heck are you talking about, Ali?" Let me explain.

Explicit expectations are an expression of need in a clear, concise, verbal manner. It is saying, "I need XYZ from you" and is often accompanied with an explanation of value or relevance to the self or overarching mission.

Illicit expectations are the expectations that are never voiced. They are what we think should have been done or said by the counterpart but are never put into verbal action. They simmer under the surface of the unsaid and can lead to unproductive resentment toward the other party. They are the slow death of a relationship as once the inevitable breakdown occurs (as resentment is the slow burn of anger), relational repair becomes challenging and time consuming due to out-of-date thought paradigms that have found their cozy little home in your brain. Illicit expectations are a relationship killer and you should be prepared to grieve the loss of that employee or partner if you become lazy with verbal expectation setting.

3) Needs are very different than wants. Like, fundamentally value-based different. In the most basic terms, what you want is optional. Its an added bonus. The proverbial icing on the cake. What you need is not. If needs aren't meet, the relationship will ALWAYS suffer as by definition, one member of the collaboration is not getting sometime essential to them. Because one party's needs are a relational requirement, the kind expression of needs should be relayed by one party and respected by the other before a conversation on wants can take place.

4) What you say, when you say it and how you say it matters. Timing is everything, my friend. In counseling sessions, I teach that when you see it, you need to say it in a kind and even keel tone. The best coaching is always done in real-time and without judgement. Your aim in conversation should always be responsive, not reactive and to be specific about what you saw and how you felt about it, whether it be positive or negative. To obtain a repeat performance, try conducting the specific praise in person in a timely manner; something to the effect of "Thanks again for unloading the dishwater today. You really helped out.” Giving feedback in real time in kind tone is pattern producing gold for relationship dynamics.

So, to bring it all together:

  • The boundary-rooted verbalization of expectations based on need is the magic formula for communication success. 

  • Boundaries. Explicit expectations. Needs expression. Real-time, specific feedback with warmth: these four components are your communication backbone for successful interactions in leadership.

Let’s keep those communication strategies strong, my friends, and thanks so much for tuning in!

How To Tell If It’s Time to Consider Online Therapy

How To Tell If It’s Time to Consider Online Therapy

Times have been trying lately, more so than usual. We are spending a lot more time in our homes with our thoughts. We are fearful of the future as we are amid a global pandemic. We have gone through a lot of changes, been forced to adjust our lifestyles, and frankly have experienced varying levels of trauma. But, when do you know if you should start therapy? At what point does it become evident that you could use some help?