Let’s Talk Feedback

Let’s Talk Feedback

Let me ask you something: how well do you give feedback to the people you love? It may not be anything you had thought about before but it is an insightful question that I would like for you to consider. When you see your partner do something you like, do you tell them? Or do you feel like any kind of intervention is perceived as a confrontation so you stay mum?

Typically, there are three types of feedback that are given at any given time:

1) Silence

2) Negative Criticism

3) Positive Reinforcement

Silence = no response is given.

If you want to maintain the status quo in a relationship, then say nothing but be aware that the use of silence as a feedback tool can produce paranoia, decrease confidence, and reduce contribution to a relationship. Silence is the antithesis of change but is often a feedback style used by many-a-person.  Ugh, when someone you are intimate with gives you verbally nothing in response to pretty much anything, it’s the worrrssstttt. Don't be that person who thinks silence is an appropriate feedback tool – it never gets you to where you want to go.

Negative Criticism = The emotional expression of identified, undesirable behaviors

The ill-guided purpose of its use is to redirect or stop undesirable behaviors. But the use of this feedback framework with inevitably backfire on you as it's use will generate excuses and blame, lead to emotional avoidance and escape, decrease confidence and really impair the relationship. Nothing will deteriorate a relationship quicker than the use of faulty, aggressive language.

Positive Reinforcement = The verbal expression of identified, desirable behaviors

The opposite of negative criticism, positive reinforcement is when you see your partner display a behavior that you would like them to repeat, you tell them that. Research shows that positive reinforcement is the key element in preventing undesirable behavior and is used around the world by teachers and parents alike. Romantic relationships also thrive when positive reinforcement is an often used communication tactic. 

Side note on positive reinforcement: make sure that when you utilize positive reinforcement as a feedback type that you are specific about what you saw and why you want it to be repeated. A general "Good job!" is not specific enough and will not produce a pattern as the receiving individual is likely to think "good job for what?” Remember: When you see it, say it with specificity and kindness. 

Don’t forget that resentment is the silent killer of relationships – I challenge you to utilize positive feedback if there is an improvement you need to see made or a need that you need to have met. Communication is the key to successful relationships. 

Onward,

Ali Johnson-Calderone, LCSW

Ali Johnson Calderone, LCSW

What You Believe Matters

By: David Head, LPC

My 5th grade science teacher, Ms. Landry, wisely told us every story had three truths.   Your version, my version, and then the actual truth.   At the time her wisdom didn't land on me, however, over time I have begun to appreciate her lesson.  Two people can have the same experience, yet have very different interpretations of what happened. Core beliefs are deeply held beliefs influencing  how we interpret our experiences.

Think of core beliefs like a pair of sunglasses. Everyone has a different "shade" causing them to see things differently. You meet a new person and think about asking them to go out for coffee. You might have a negative set of shades that says "I'm not worthy."  Through the lens of this belief you might begin to think "Why would they ever go out with me?” and adopt a behavior that reinforces that belief - Deciding not to ask said person out for coffee.  Alternatively, you might have a more productive core belief that says "I am worthy.”   Seeing the world through these shades you might instead think "We might have fun if we go out together” and adopt behaviors that reinforce that belief - ask said person to coffee.  

Negative core beliefs have harmful consequences.  I am not here to tell you what not to think - and hopefully you are learning to become less prohibitive and more allowing in your thinking overall.  In order to challenge any negative beliefs that you do have, or to reframe them, you will first need to identify what they are.

Some examples of core beliefs are: I'm unlovable. The world is a dangerous place. I'm not smart. I'm a bad person. People are out to get me. I'm abnormal.  Once you have identified your core beliefs, try and list three pieces of evidence to negate or to the contrary.  

To some this will be enough to begin to color the shades differently and break apart the core belief and begin replacing it with felt truths and experience.   For others this might be a difficult thing to do and it may seem as if it is disingenuous.   If this is the case then there may be some truth to the core belief itself. A different approach is in order. 

There are times we will run into an uncomfortable truth beyond our control. It can be easy to think "This isn't fair" or "I shouldn't have this problem", even though those ways of thinking only make the pain worse.  Radical acceptance refers to a healthier way of thinking during these situations. Instead of focusing on how you would like something to be different, you will recognize and accept the truth,  problem or situation as it is. Remember, accepting is not the same as liking or condoning something.

Learning to accept things as they are, especially those that are out of your control, will lead to less anxiety, anger, and sadness when dealing with them. It is from a place of acceptance that you will be able to revisit your core beliefs and move from an "either or" mentality to one a mentality of "and also."

This enables you to modify your core beliefs through allowance.  I'm unlovable when I am acting unlovable and I am not always acting this way.   The world can be dangerous and I can be cautious and careful in it.  I'm not smart here and I'm working on it.  I'm a bad person and a good person, too. People are out trying to survive.  I'm abnormal and that is perfectly normal.  

What you believe and how you manage your viewpoint determines (to a great deal-but not entirely) your experience.   This week spend some time identifying your core beliefs and how to work with them so they are healthy and productive. 

David Head, LPC

Strategies for Tackling Behavioral Issues with the Children in Your Home

Many folks come into my office to discuss the anxiety they now experience because of “out of control” kiddos that are ruling the roost in their home.  When I complete a Problem Identification Session with one of my clients so that I can better understand the nature of their concern when it comes to parenting, I consistently ask: Do you think that there is anything that you can do to help your child behavior in a more productive way? Many times, the answer to this question is a big old “YES!” with an exuberant head shake but not three seconds after this confirmation, an emotional onset comes in with a follow up statement in the vain of “but I just don’t know how.” Let’s see if we can fix that.

In my experience, there are two primary reasons for poor behavior in the home:

One: A Lack of Communication

Two: A Lack of Consequences

Communication is abstractly and therapeutically defined as the sharing of thoughts, feelings and opinions in a way in which they are heard, and the actions are reciprocated.  When we learn how to communicate with our children by clearly expressing what our expectations are of them along with respectful words of guidance, we are modeling an assertive communication style that is ideal for their own relationship development when they are no longer under your roof.  

Providing consequences for your child is an important component of positive discipline and it is a key notion in self-esteem establishment in children. Children need to know that their choices and actions matter and that there are positive and negative consequences associated with all of our decisions.  Kiddos who behave poorly in the home have often not been given realistic expectations to follow, nor has the parent been consistent with their reflection on the ideal or less than ideal actions conducted by the child. The big concepts of consequences are to not make threats, be consistent in your delivery and conversation around the consequences, connect the consequence to the action when possible and be positive in the interaction. 

Now, if you have communicated clearly and have been consistent, positive and appropriate with your consequence delivery and your kiddo is still acting in a way that is not suitable, then we have to see if something else is going on that is producing the unwanted behavior. As a parent, it is your job to figure out what that something is through four actionable concepts so that you can get your family on the fast-lane to stability and respect.

Let’s initiate these conversations with questions. Start by stating what the objective was and then ask your child what is preventing them from achievement. Process their response and meet it with one of the four solutions listed below. 

If your child doesn't know to, you need to give them direction.

If your child doesn't want to, you need to provide them with motivation.

If your child doesn't know how to, you need to build their competence.

If your child can't do, you need to remove barriers. 

Your next action as a parent is to listen to the needs of your child and meet them where they are in their processing with assessing for the dynamics discussed above.

If your kiddo doesn’t put his plate in the sink after a meal, give them direction on what you would like for them to do with their plate after a meal. 

If your child doesn’t want to eat what you have made them for lunch, inform them they will not have an option to eat again until the next meal is served, allowing the possibility for their hunger to motivate them toward eating the food you have prepared in the here and now. 

If they weren’t making their bed because they didn’t know how it was supposed to be done, show them how to do it calmly and kindly once or twice.  

And if you would like your child to start dressing themselves but they say that they can’t because their clothes are hung on hangers, remove this barrier by folding outfits in drawers that are easily accessible to your little one. 

Parenting is a constant action series but with little techniques like this, your anxiety can be lessened, and you may find that you don’t need to see me for therapy for as long as you thought you would. 😊

Cheers to your happiness and health –

Ali Johnson-Calderone, LCSW

Ali Johnson Calderone, LCSW

The Sources and Conditions of Conflict

Max Lucado once said "conflict is inevitable but combat is optional" and as a human being who interacts with others, insight into the sources and prosperous conditions of conflict can help you avoid battle. The dictionary defines conflict as "a mental struggle resulting from incompatible or opposing needs, drives, wishes or external or internal demands." Our 18 hours of wake time is full of these clashing components as we balance the desires of all the stakeholders in our lives.  If the needs/drives/wishes/demands of these stakeholders align during some cosmic period of time, enjoy it while it lasts because something will eventually shift, resulting in incompatibility. And so my question to you is this...

What Conflict are you currently experiencing?

Unfortunately, conflict will always arise due to its definitive existence so the development of conflict resolution skills is a MUST. And so we are going to begin that education on the sources and ideal conditions of discord right now. Yay!

To start, I have seen five main sources of conflict throughout my years as a therapist. The five biggies are: 

1) Competition for limited resources

2) Cashing of values

3) Human drive for success, recognition, and power

4) Change

5) Poorly defined responsibilities

Can you relate? Think about times when you have had internal or external conflict surrounding around or directly with your spouse, your child, your parent, your friend, your neighbor, your boss, your coworker or the customer service representative at your home internet company who upped the cost of service when the pandemic hit (so not cool). Did the source of the conflict hit one of the five categories listed? Chances are, they did, as human beings tend to compete for what there isn't much of, differ in their principles, are ego-centric in nature, avoid change and don't always asks questions for clarification when they don't understand what they are supposed to be doing. What can we say? Being a human is a complicated business.

Although you cannot prevent the existence of conflict, you CAN avoid the conditions that create its prosperity. It has also been my experience that there are three conditions that exasperate conflict: when individuals make inaccurate assumptions; when individuals inadequately listen and when individuals utilize positional bargaining to get what they want. Let's dive in deeper. 

Inaccurate assumptions. Let's talk assumptions. We live in a world of self-generating beliefs where we adopt those beliefs based on conclusions and conclusions are formed by what we infer from our observations and past experiences. We get into trouble when we believe that:

1) Our beliefs are the only truth

2) The truth is obvious

3) Our beliefs are based on real data

4) The data we select is real data

And this is where the ladder of inference comes into play. In a nutshell, we can find supporting evidence for any thought that we have already formed, as we add meaning to unsubstantiated data, causing us to make assumptions in the form of beliefs and with those beliefs, we take action. An unchecked ladder of inference journey can be the death of you, my friend. I see its improper use on the reg and so I challenge you to become intimate with insight and keep your ladder of inference in check. 

Inadequate listening. Some people don't even put up a pretense of listening and just flat out ignore those in their lives. Some people pretend to listen but are noticeable else where in their thoughts. Some people selectively listen and process only specific sections of the conversation, picking and choosing what they deem important (latter of inference anyone?). And finally, some people purposefully listen by staying present and using clarifying behaviors to better understand what their employee is trying to communicate. Which person do you want to spend your time with?

Positional bargaining. Ugh. When I think of position bargaining, the first thing that comes to my mind is an ultimatum. Positional bargaining and ultimatums are not synonyms of each other but in my experience as a couples therapist, when a partner lays down an ultimatum instead of working with me on negotiation skill obtainment, it almost always leads to the demise of the romantic relationship (I have a whole soapbox on Ultimatum's that I will spare you from but do yourself a favor and don't deliver them. People often use them in a poor attempt at boundary setting but they are destructive, inappropriate and will guarantee conflict. If you don't know how to properly boundary or expectation set, give me a call.)

I digress. Let's refocus on positional bargaining. Positional bargaining is similar to ultimatum delivery in that you get a reaction of some kind with an associated decision that initiates action, but the outcome is often not what you were hoping for. I could do a whole post on positional bargaining but for the sake of this writing and positional bargaining's relation to conflict, I will simply draw attention to it's use outcomes. As a whole, arguing over positions produces unwise agreements, is inefficient and endangers ongoing relationships. The more parties involved in the positional bargaining, the more serious the drawbacks as positional bargaining is a hostile exercise focused on being right rather than moving forward and with too many cooks in the kitchen, things can get really messy. To avoid conflict, practice appropriate negotiation skills as you focus on the problem, develop options, have an objective criteria and support interests versus positions.

Conflict in life is inevitable but it doesn't have to slow you down or impair your relationships. Being aware of where conflict can really take off will help you in navigating these communications so that you can move seamlessly through discord without any destruction in your wake. As always, I am here if you need any help. After this read, I ask that you ponder not only the sources of conflict but also the conditions in which they prosper to see if any of these components are part of your day-to-day. If so, I challenge you to gain the skills needed to lessen conflict in your world so that you can prosper in the life you are selecting for yourself.

Thanks for tuning in!

Ali Johnson-Calderone, LCSW

Ali Johnson Calderone, LCSW

Leading a Family Through Change

By: Ali Johnson-Calderone, LCSW

Change is defined as the difference between what you expect and what you experience which means that we undergo change on the regular as our expectations rarely match our actual experience. Change is inevitable and so as you read this post, I would like you to consider the following question:

What change are you currently experiencing?

There are four phases of transition that are commonly found in shifting dynamics. Interestingly enough, the phases of transition resemble that of the stages of grief which is not to be unexpected as whenever there is change, there is a loss of some kind. In order to move in a different direction, you must leave behind where you once were or what once was which can garner feelings of mourning, however small in magnitude. But unlike the stages of grief (which are more fluid), the four stages of transition move in order from denial, resistance, exploration and finally, to commitment. When a new sibling is born or when your kiddos have to change schools, you will find your family members in various stages of transition and your job is to guide each of them to operate within the phase of commitment. Most people touch all four stages of the transition process, but their length of stay varies depending on their individual mindset. 

Take a look at the picture. If you were to guess, where do you think the most emotional work transpires when you are leading a household toward change?

Ding, ding, ding! If you said the "Resistance" phase than you get all the prizes! When family members are in the resistance phase of transition, this is when a family leader is most impactful so it's important to focus your emotional work here when it comes to change management. In order to be effective in shifting the family toward change acceptance, you will want to be:

Positive. Display optimism about the future, even if the silver lining is so meniscal that you need a magnifying glass to see it. If you tell them that the ship is burning and they need to jump, they will jump. I never support dishonesty and untruths so do not lie to your family members and say everything is peachy if it is not. What I am saying, however, is that the human mind will not accept a change if they can't grasp a possible positive outcome in any scenario. We are hard-wired with survival instincts and you better believe that we will make decisions based solely on self-interest if we think a cause is without hope.

Focused. Communicate where you are going and associate it to the mission of the family. Remember, human beings are ego centric by nature and we always want to know what's in it for us. Relate the change personally to the individuals impacted and always tie the proposed change back to what the group is trying to accomplish.

Flexible. Commit to being creative when challenges arise and utilizing all available resources to lessening the negative impact of the shift, if the change is not desired. Modeling the ability to pivot is a tool that is irreplaceable and can have a high impact on whether your family gets stuck in the resistance phase of transition.

Organized. Sort data that is useful and not useful and only present information that serves a purpose (now is not the time to word vomit your own fears with the information you may have).

Proactive. Reframe change as an opportunity for growth and guide your family members to move toward it. You will want to acknowledge that change can be challenging and that you will commit to real time information giving when it is appropriate. Let them grieve the loss of whatever they are now going without of (whether that be a person, a place, cherished something, etc) and then focus on what they are going to gain with this transition.

Building resiliency is shown to be the best way to foster change acceptance as resiliency moves folks from denial to commitment in a smoother fashion. Resiliency is defined as the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties and it can be built by these five science-backed strategies. I suggest that when your family is not moving through a challenging transition, you take your energies to the resiliency building field and work on building up that toughness for change inevitability so that your people are better prepared for the next go-around. Because it will come. And your life will be easier if your family members are able to  move through the stages of transition with ease.

Thanks for tuning in and until next time, I hope you stay healthy and content-

Ali Johnson-Calderone, LCSW

Ali Johnson Calderone, LCSW